


Kaiho

by lgbtimelord



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Jealous Kara Danvers, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Love Confessions, Magic, Pining, Protective Kara Danvers, lowkey character study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:47:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26566795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lgbtimelord/pseuds/lgbtimelord
Summary: Sometimes Kara looks at Andrea and knows they could be great friends. She’s kind, strong, she knows exactly when to put anyone in place with just a few words- and she makes Lena happy. Kara should care about that, she really should- but every single feeling of gratefulness she should feel, always gets buried deep inside by jealousy.
Relationships: Alex Danvers & Kara Danvers, Kara Danvers & Lena Luthor, Kara Danvers & Lois Lane, Kara Danvers & Nia Nal, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Lena Luthor/Andrea Rojas
Comments: 7
Kudos: 308





	Kaiho

> _ KAIHO: (n.) a hopeless longing- an involuntary solitude in which one feels incompleteness and yearns for something unattainable or extremely difficult and tedious to attain. _

She sees them kiss and suddenly everything feels like it’s on fire.

She doesn’t even know why.

When she saw Imra and Mon-El kiss, there was pain- something so heartbreaking the air from her lungs felt like too much.

But now, seeing as Lena leans forward- a smile on her face- and kisses Andrea, she feels like something just broke.

Like that moment you break something important, something you know can’t be replaced, and the first thing you want to do is fix it. Pick it up and pretend the two pieces in your hands can become one again. 

She doesn’t know why she feels that way now. With Mon-El she had a reason, they used to be together- she loved him.

But she doesn’t have any claim over Lena, there shouldn’t be a reason why she feels like this- resentment and disappointment all over her heart.

* * *

She asks Alex about it, later in the kitchen.

“What’s up with Lena and that other woman?”

“That other woman? You mean Andrea?” she asks confused and then laughs a little, “We’ve known her for like a year, Kara. You suddenly don’t remember her name?.”

Has it been that long? She vaguely remembers the first time Lena asked if she could bring a friend to game night, she was surprised when she mentioned her boss, but she said yes anyway. 

She didn’t think it was  _ that  _ kind of friend.

Had she been so focused on trying to find Lex she hadn’t noticed Lena was dating someone?

“They’ve been keeping it lowkey,” Alex starts explaining when Kara remains silent. She doesn’t understand this odd feeling in her chest when she realizes Alex knows more about Lena’s love life than her, her supposed best friend.

She’s happy they managed to fix their relationship. She is. Alex had finally stopped complaining about low quality schot and how Nia was “too much of a light weight to go out with her.”

But why didn’t she  _ know _ .   
  


“Does that- does that mean she likes her?”

Alex looks over to her, confusion on her eyes as to why would she ask that. Kara keeps her eyes on the coffee mug between her hands.

“I mean, yeah, kinda. Lena has been very… smiley and smitten since they started dating.”

“Really?” she asks with a hint of disbelief and with a sense of want.

She knows Lena can be smitten. She used to be smitten with Kara when they’d be lying in Lena’s couch after four bottles of wine. 

She used to smitten when Kara would bring her a Big Belly burger after a terrible day.

She used to be smitten when she hugged Kara, no hells on her feet, no make up on her face- just her hugging Kara after she let her into her apartment after a long day, smiling softly in the crook of Kara’s neck.

She used to be so smitten with Kara then. Now, not so much. Not after the reveal.

Now smitten was simple smiling and ever lasting hugs were simple hugs.

She doesn’t realize she’s lost in thought until she sees Alex’s hand in front of her face.

“Any reason why you’re asking?” She asks once Kara’s eyes find hers.

The smirk on her face is too much. Too knowing, in a way.

She awkwardly mutters  _ “just curious” _ before flying away. 

* * *

It’s not like she doesn’t know what Lena’s lips feel like. 

She knows they’re soft and taste a little like the chapstick she puts on them all the time.

She knows Lena kisses with strength. She remembers the feeling of her teeth biting softly on her bottom lip.

She remembers the feeling of her hands on her hair and Lena’s breath mixing with hers after their kiss.

She had thought about it, repeatedly, after seeing Lena and Andrea kissing.

Worst part is, she constantly notices them together now. She sees them sitting closely together every lunch hour from her desk at Catco- Lena and Andrea on the balcony, and she has to stop herself from breaking her desk in half because  _ that used to be their spot. _

She sees them kiss goodbye after lunch, sees them kiss hello when they hang out as a group, sees Lena smile sweetly at Andrea every time she says something, sees Andrea give Lena flowers and little gifts all the time- because apparently she’s the most adorable person ever.

The feeling of jealousy creeps up on her every time.

_ “I just- I don’t think I can be with anyone, at least not right now.” _

_ “I understand.” _

She wants to go back in time, back to her apartment with Lena looking at her so softly and with so much hope- hair messy and lips swollen from kissing. Wants to look at her in the eye as she asks her for a date instead of making up an excuse about not being ready.

_ “It’s just… Lex is still out there, we don’t know what will happen and-” _

_ “It’s okay Kara, you don’t have to explain.” _

She wants to go back and grab Lena’s wrist instead of watching her go.

* * *

She calls Eliza after four days of resentment and anger at herself. She had gotten more snappy and sarcastic to every person that dared talking to her.

So she calls. Because she remembers that time Eliza told her that anger inside oneself ends up becoming pain for everyone else.

She told her when she had arrived on Earth- just a child, with so much anger, with so much pain, that she couldn’t stop herself from breaking everything she touched- no matter how gentle she tried to be.

She talks with Eliza for over an hour, she listens to her talk about the hospital, the new gossip around Midvale, the sweater she was currently knitting.

Her thoughts return back to Lena somewhere between the difference between a seed stitch and a fisherman’s rib.

She can’t help but wonder what her life would have been like if Krypton had never exploded.

Or what her life would have been like if Kal-El had taken her in.

They weren’t unusual thoughts, they were always at the back of her mind. 

What if. What if. What if. 

Would she still be friends with Lena?

Would she still be in love with her?

But she feels like she just missed a chance, as if Rao himself had sent her a message and she had refused to listen, all those thoughts come back stronger and stronger. 

“What are you thinking about?”

“No one.”

Eliza gasphs excitedly, “Are you dating anyone?”

“No, I’m not.”

Eliza stays silent. Kara can almost see the smirk on her face and the subtle raising of her eyebrow.

She considers telling her about Lena, she had told her about Lena before. Just not like this. Not in a situation that screamed  _ I don’t feel about Lena like a friend should anymore. _

Would her mom tell her to go for it or would her family’s history with the Luthors get in the way of that?   
  


Rationally, she knew it wouldn't. Eliza had always told her too many stories of impossible love for her not to believe it can’t be overcome. 

She had read the scared 13 year old Kara stories of hopeless love with the happiest of endings so she wouldn’t believe finding love was impossible.

But was her love for Lena impossible or was she just scared it might hurt her more?

But was she scared of loving Lena or was she scared she’ll leave her?

Like her mom. Like her dad. They left her behind- she left them behind. In the ruins of Krypton as she watched it explode. What if that happens again? 

What if she has to watch everyone she loves die again?

She doesn’t tell Eliza about it. She doesn’t tell her about how she’s scared one day the world would fall apart and she won’t be able to do anything to stop it- not even with her powers.

She knows, deep down, that it’ll never happen, it won’t come to that. She’ll always have Alex, she’ll always have Eliza, she’ll always have her friends, Lena’s love, however she receives it and the stories from her home as she carries them within her.

It all keeps her warm. Keeps making her feel loved.

But there’s always those moments in which she feels it might go away. 

It happens when someone says an off hand comment about what she did wrong as Supergirl- how she should have done it. 

Or when she can’t remember if her mother liked blue or green better- her home planet’s memories too far away from reach. 

When Alex would be late for their nights together because she was busy or when Eliza wouldn’t answer her calls.

She doesn’t know if she’s moving away and they’re too tired to go after her or if she’s just too out of reach for them to love her.

“What was I like when I first came to earth?”

Eliza takes a sharp breath, and like every time Kara would ask a question about her firsts years on earth, she stays pensive for a few moments.

She knows it’s because she doesn’t want to make Kara sad, or angry, or feel like a burden. She takes her words seriously because she knows she might blame herself for the thing she did wrong as a child.

And she does. She blames herself, for a lot of things, even when she knows she shouldn’t. Even if she was a child. Even if she had no control over it. 

She blames herself for not looking after Kal-El when he was a child, even if it wasn’t her fault she got knocked off course.

She blames herself for Jeremiah’s death, even when he made his own decisions.

She blames herself for all the things she broke, like the vase from Eliza’s grandmother, the book that was signed by the author, the three doors, the handful of plates and the relationship between Alex and Eliza. 

Even when it wasn’t in her control. Even when there was nothing she could do.

Eliza knows this, but she also doesn’t lie. It’s a thin line she stays in with Kara, one she had never crossed even when they both know sometimes Kara hears what she doesn’t want to.

“You were a bit… volatile when you arrived,” she starts, “you were so full of pain and anger, I don’t think you ever knew what to do with all of it inside you, maybe you still don’t. But you also were so full of love, even when you had lost everything. You still are. You love so much and you love fiercely even when that puts you in a complicated situation with someone you love,” she stops herself, and it doesn’t take Kara long to realize Alex probably told her not to talk about Lena- they both know the conversation was always going to go there though.

“Do you think my love is volatile?” she asks, the words quiet, almost a whisper- like when she was a little girl and she’d ask Clark through the phone if she’d see him soon.

She thinks about Alex and how she always sacrifices so many parts of herself for her.

She thinks about James and Winn and how she broke their hearts when she didn’t feel the same.

She thinks about fighting with James, because he couldn’t see her points and she was too stubborn to listen to his.

She thinks of her mother and father and how they sacrificed themselves to save her. How she tries to do better than them, keep the family name as good as possible but does she do that? Or is she just doing whatever she thinks is best, maybe when it isn’t, just like her parents did?

She thinks about how maybe she was always too much like them to ever become someone different, someone that could actually save the world instead of lying and lying and lying- even when that is  _ all  _ she does.

She thinks about all the deaths and all the destruction she’d caused since the moment she decided she wanted to be Supergirl.

Was she willing to let Lena become one more in the long list of her casualties?

“Maybe your love is volatile, maybe it isn't,” Eliza says,bringing her back from her thoughts, “but even if it is, it doesn't mean that it’ll be explosive and destroy everything around it, your love can be volatile because you love as fast as a substance evaporates.”

She feels relieved. She loves it, how even when she hadn’t told her mom the actual problem she had calmed her down.

“Okay,” she says as she wipes the few tears that dared leave her eyes.

* * *

She’s been isolating herself again. She knows it and everyone else notices too.

Nia notices when she doesn’t answer any of her messages about the next “superfriends” mission.

Alex notices when she turns down her offer to try out a new restaurant that opened a few blocks away from the park she goes to run to.

Kelly notices when she avoids her eyes when she asks her how she’s doing and tries to keep up the usually casual and easy conversation between them.

She tells herself she’s doing it because she’s too hurt about Lena dating someone else.

She tries not to dwell too much in those thoughts that keep telling her she’ll get all her friends killed.

Or the one that says it’s better to stop loving before her heart breaks- she’s sure it’s already broken though. 

So she ignores them all. The friendly hellos, the texts asking if she’s okay, Lena’s eyes burning in the back of her head every time they’re in the same room.

She can’t ignore missions. So, she can’t tell Alex to fuck off when she shows up in her aparment’s doorstep telling her she has a lead on Lex no matter how much she wants to.

* * *

The witch’s mansion oddly reminds Kara of the entrance to the science guild back on Krypton. The large windows made of gold, the white walls as immaculate as new paint and the door so tall she couldn’t be sure where it truly ended.

“Are we going in or we’re just gonna stand here looking at the pretty door the entire day?” Andrea asks besides her, her hand on Lena’s.

“Are we serious about this?” Lena asks, looking at Alex, “I know Lex is hard to find but do we really need  _ magic _ ?”

Before Alex could answer and start the three hour discussion they already had in the car, Kara rolls her eyes and walks towards the door, she raises her hand once Brainy and Nia reach them but before she can touch the dark wood- the door opens.

They walk into an almost empty house, there’s nothing on it except for the carpet falling down from the stairs to their feet.

“This is not creepy at all,” Nia mutters behind them.

“Let’s just hurry up,” Lena says, walking first into the stairs.

They walk all the way up into a ballroom, the place only lit up by the candles all around it, some on the walls and some on the floor.

At the end of the room there’s a woman sitting on the floor, she was barefoot and her clothes looked like they’ve seen better days. She wonders for a moment if this truly was the powerful witch Alex had talked about.

“That’s her?” she hears Nia whisper to Brainy, “she looks like a worn down version of Bellatrix.”

The witch laughs quietly and Nia finches when she realizes she heard her. She looks her up and down, “I expected something… more, you being dreamer and all.”

“How-”

“No one enters my house without me knowing who they are.”

Her eyes move to Kara as she slowly raises from the floor. She was tall, taller than her even, so when she stood in front of Kara she was basically towering over her, power seemed to reek off her and she wondered if everyone could feel it or if it was just her imagination. Her hand moves to Kara’s face but she moves away before the woman has a chance to rest it on her cheek. 

“Supergirl,” she breathes out, and it sounds like she’s saying a prayer she had waited years to voice, “it’s so nice to finally meet you.”

“I’d say likewise, but I don’t know who you are.”

“You can call me Atlas.”

Atlas moves her wrist and suddenly the room is filled with light, chandeliers falling from the ceiling, the once dirty and colorless walls now are a clean white with golden roses drawn on it. The clothes Atlas was using changed for a three piece suit that made her look even more powerful than before.

She moves around the large room to an armchair that looks more like a throne once she sits on it and motions to the group to sit in the sofas in front of her.

“So, what can I help you with?”

“We need help finding Lex Luthor,” Alex says, and Atlas looks at her as if she’s now remembering anyone other than Kara was there at all.

“I see,” she says after a moment, “that’s going to be expensive.”

“Money’s not an issue,” Lena says.

“No, I suppose not,” she says with a bit of laughter in her eyes, “but that’s not the kind of payment I want.”

“What do you want?” Nia asks, Lena and Alex look disapprovingly at her at her bluntness, “What? We’re in a hurry.”

Atlas smirks over to Lena, “You’d do just fine.”

“I’m sorry?”

“You see, I need a human for my next spell, it most likely won’t kill you bu-”

“No,” Kara interrupts before the woman can finish.

“No?”

“I’m sorry?”

Atlas and Lena speak at the same time. Atlas looks surprised at her while Lena looks confused and pissed.

“Whatever she’ll ask you to do is going to be dangerous so, no.”

“You don’t get to decide that,” Lena says, anger clear in her voice- and Kara can tell she gets angrier when she doesn’t look at her.

“I can do it,” Alex says from where she’s sitting in a clear attempt to get Lena to stop shooting daggers from her eyes at Kara’s side profile.

“God, no,” Atlas laughs, “you reek of bad intentions.”

“This is ridiculous,” Andrea says, “just let Lena do the spell and we can get what we came here for, she can take care of herself.”

The last part is directed at Kara, clearly. And Lena looks at her with a soft smile, which just makes the kryptonian angier.

“I  _ know  _ that Andrea,” Kara snaps, “but do you even know what spell she’s going to ask her to do? Or do you even know what it takes from a human to do a big spell? Oh wait, you don’t, because you’re not a witch.”

She doesn’t look at them, doesn’t have the heart to look at their joined hands again-  _ what is Andrea even doing here anyway _ \- so she looks at Nia and Brainy and sees them both with a surprised look on their face, eyebrows raised high.

“Oh for fuck sake,” Lena says and looks over to Atlas, “find him, I’ll do the spell.”

“I said no!” Kara screams and moves over to the woman to grab her raised wrist as a small flame dances on it. 

She smiles. “Won’t you look at that, you look just like you did under the red kryptonite.” She opens her fist and, instead of finding more fire, there’s a note on it, “Lex Luthor’s location,” she explains, “I’d hurry, he tends to change places fast.”

“I’ll pay you some other way,” she growls dangerously low to the woman as she grabs the paper, “you’re not doing that spell.”

She says to Lena as she turns around, and it’s the first time she looks at her since this morning when she got into the car and saw her and Andrea holding hands from the rear view mirror.

There’s confusion on everyone’s faces at the anger emanating off her, on why her hands are clenched and her jaw is shut tight. She walks over to the door and only stops when she hears a small sound of hurt from Lena.

When she turns around the brunette is rubbing her forehead and Atlas looks smugly at her from her chair.

“She won’t be able to leave this place until she does the spell.”

“What’s the spell, let’s just fucking do it.”

“Len-”

“Shut up, Supergirl,” she interrupts. 

“I need you to absorb the energy of seven recent deaths.”

Lena’s face pales, “W- what?”

“That’s dark magic,” Alex says.

Atlas raises her eyebrows, “I never said it wasn’t. Lena here has never done dark magic, which means she has… higher chances of surviving the process.”

“You said she wouldn’t die,” Andrea exclaims.

“I said it most likely won’t kill her,” Atlas says, a smug smile on her face.

“There must be something else we can do for you,” Brainy, ever the logical one, asks.

“What if I told you she could be freed by a kiss?"

"You want Lena to kiss you?" Alex says, bewildered.

The witch laughs, as if the question was the most ridiculous and absurd thing Alex could’ve come up with.

"Despite her charms," she said, "that kiss will not free the girl. It’s an old rule of mine, you can escape a favor by kissing the one you desire the most."

"I'm not kissing any of you," Brainy says firmly. "Just so it's official."

"That hardly seems necessary," Andrea says, "If a kiss is all…"

She moves toward Lena, who’s frozen in surprise. She didn’t know why, it was the logical answer, wasn't it? Andrea was her girlfriend, after all.

Without being able to help it, she looks over her shoulder at Kara and sees her scowl, and angry and annoyed expression on her face.

"No," said the witch, in a voice like a tinkling crystal. "That is not what I want either."

Nia rolls his eyes. "Oh, come on. Look, if there's no other way of getting out of this, I'll kiss Alex or Brainy. I've done it before.”

“We were drunk,” Alex groans as Nia chuckles, “do you need to bring that up all the time?”

"Alas," Atlas says. Her expression sharp with a sort of cruel delight, and Kara wonders if it isn't a kiss she wants so much as simply to watch them all squirm in discomfort. "I'm afraid that won't do either."

"Well, I'm not kissing Alex," says Lena, "I'd rather stay here and rot."

"Forever?" she asks, "Forever's an awfully long time."

Lena raises her eyebrows. "I knew it," she says, "You want to kiss me, don't you?"

Alex raises her hands in exasperation. "Of course not. But if—"

"While this is all very amusing," the witch says coolly, leaning forward in her chair, "the kiss that will free the girl is the kiss that she most desires. Only that and nothing more."

Andrea looks over at Lena as if she had hit her. 

"Why are you doing this?" Kara demands, “Just let her go. I can pay you with something else you might want.”   
  


"I rather thought I was offering you something you wanted."

Kara stays quiet, eyes away from Lena and instead looking firmly at the witch- as if she’d convince them to let them go on looks alone.

Andrea looks between Kara and Lena, confused, and then to the witch, “That’s ridiculous, they don’t feel like that about each other.”

“I’m not the one you should be asking that dear,” the woman shrugged, a delicate twitch of her shoulders. "Desire is not always lessened by disgust. Nor can it be bestowed, like a favor, to those most deserving of it. And as my words bind my magic, so you can know the truth. If Lena doesn't desire her kiss, she won't be free. If her desire or love cannot be returned, she won’t be free."

Andrea says something angrily, but Lena doesn't hear her. She looks over to her, a pleading in her voice.

"You don't have to do this, Lena, it's a trick—"

"It’s not a trick," says Kara, “and we need to get out of here.”

"Well, I don't know about you, Andrea," says Alex, her voice edged. "But I'd like to get

Lena out of here."

"Like you'd kiss Lena, you have a girlfriend too," she answers, annoyment showing in her face as much as in her voice.

"Sure I would. If the other option was being stuck in this place forever? Who cares, anyway? It's just a kiss."

"It's just a kiss," Kara says, her voice a little surprised and startled.

She walks towards Lena and puts a gentle hand on her shoulder. Even though she looks confident and sure of her movement, Lena can see the way her blue eyes are clouded with fear and the almost invisible shaking of her hands. "You can close your eyes and think of Midvale, if you want."

"I've never even been to Midvale," Lena says, as Kara’s face gets closer and closer to hers.

Her eyes close as soon as she feels the brush of Kara’s lips, light at first, against hers. Almost instantly she relaxes into the kiss, her hands going to Kara’s hips pulling her closer to her. The kiss is sweet for a few moments until Lena feels Kara’s tongue against her bottom lip and all her inhibitions leave her.

She kisses her strongly and surely, just like she had done back at her apartment. She kisses her until she can’t breath anymore.

They get startled out of their staring contest by the loud sound of Andrea closing the door after her, Lena runs after her and everyone else does too after a few seconds- leaving Kara and Atlas alone in the room. 

“Why did you do that?,” Kara asks, “You know who I am, I could give you anything you wanted.”

“Perhaps,” Atlas answers, “but I wanted to do something I thought you needed.”

“I don’t think kissing a girl while she has a girlfriend was the answer.”

“But making you confront your feelings and showing you the girl you’re after wants you too was,” she laughs.

Kara nods. Atlas stays quiet for a second, she looks like she wants to say something more but instead she raises from her chair and leaves. 

* * *

“Kara.”

She doesn’t look up. Maybe she should but she couldn’t.

She isn’t ready for another conversation with Lena in which one of them is going to say that they couldn’t do whatever it is they do when they’re together. Kara knows hearing the words  _ I have a girlfriend _ or  _ let’s forget that kiss ever happened _ will break her heart even more.

Instead Lena remains silent and Kara laughs softly about that. Like always, she knew exactly what she needed- she just wished she could be as good as noticing what Lena wanted from her as the brunette is with her.

She thinks and she can’t pinpoint the exact moment she’d fallen in love with Lena, but there had always been something about her that reminded Kara of a lion, a wild animal unfettered by rules, the promise of a life of freedom. Never an  _ I can't _ , but always  _ I can _ . Always the risk and the surety, never the fear or the question.

She always wishes she could take that feeling of power she gets every time she thinks about Lena and use it to tell her how much she wants and loves her.

She looks discreatedly at her as she sits down next to her on the balcony’s edge. The only sound around them is the wind softly blowing the tree leaves and the sound of Lena’s sigh.

“Why are you here?" Kara asks.

"Here as in the roof, or here as in the great, spiritual question of our purpose here on this planet?” Lena starts, “If you're asking me whether this is all some cosmic coincidence or if there's a greater meta-ethical purpose to life, well, that's a puzzler for the ages. I mean, modern-day reductionism is clearly a fallacious argument, but-"

“I meant  _ here _ , Lena. Why aren’t you with Andrea?” 

She can feel those green eyes on her but she keeps looking right ahead, not sure she can look at Lena and find- she doesn’t even know what she’s supposed to find.

“I wanted to know if you were okay,” she answers eventually, all cheekiness out of her voice.

“I’m fine, you can’t leave now.”

“That’s not fair,” Lena says, “you can’t just kiss me like that and then-” She lets out a groan as she throws her head back, “I can’t understand you sometimes.”

“Welcome to the club,” she mutters.

“Kara-” she sighs, “I can’t, Andrea-”

“I know,” looks at her sadly, “I’m not asking you to do anything right now- I was the one that said no to us first.”

Lena nods, there’s tears in her eyes- Kara looks away before she can see them fall.

“I just wish,” the blonde says, looking at the sun slowly hiding behind the buildings, “that I could say the right thing, do the right thing, to make this easier for you- us. I’m terrible at this and at feeling like this. So, whatever you want from me, I want to do it. Friends or not. If you want me to leave, I will- I’ll make some calls right now and you’ll never see me again. I want to be there for you in whatever the right way is for you.”

“You know how I want you in my life,” Lena says.

“Not like that,” she shakes her head, “I cant- I’ll just break your heart.”

Lena picks up Kara’s wrist, brings her hand to her chest and plays her fingers over her heart. It beats against her palm, like a fist punching its way through her sternum. With Kara’s hand on her chest she says, “Break it- break it into a million pieces for all I care, I give you permission.”

Lena’s eyes show nothing but the truth- and Kara tries, tries and tries to think of a moment in which she had seen the brunette’s eyes hold so much love for anyone before and can’t.

It would be so easy to just pull Lena to her and let their lips meet again. Kiss her as if she doesn’t care about anything else in the world- and maybe she doesn’t, maybe she’s willing to let the world burn around them as long as she has Lena.

She knows how that sounds. She knows it sounds exactly like the love she shouldn’t have, like the love her parents had for her, the one that saved her as an entire world burned- she knows if she lets it burn it’ll consume it all and there’ll be more broken hearts she’ll be able to count.

So, instead, she tightens her hand around Lena’s and moves it away, bringing it to her lips.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, she kisses her palm and walks away.

* * *

Lois shows up like she always does, in all her powerful glory and exactly when Kara needed her the most.

It was an usual thing for her, calling Lois- let her voice calm her down or let the woman call her out every time she called.

It was almost funny, the way she had a better relationship with her cousin's wife than with said cousin. 

Part of her knows it was probably built out of guilt, calling the little girl her boyfriend left behind so she wouldn’t feel as guilty for being one of the reasons. But Kara never cared that much, she was glad to know she at least had someone on her corner, even if that corner was on the other side of the country.

It had been two weeks since she left Lena alone on the roof and while her mind had been entirely on trying to get another clue on Lex, she had also tried to distract herself from the fact that she didn’t see Andrea and Lena together so much. 

Maybe they are “keeping it lowkey” again, she thinks when she sees them along with Alex and Nia- she just hasn’t seen them alone. Maybe they are ignoring Kara and trying to stay as far away from her as possible, and she is sure she’s making it easier for them.

Lois shows up and it’s like every single problem around Kara gets fixed, she tells them her and Clark were able to track down Lex and “Superman and his league of idiots” had gone after him- Kara wonders why couldn’t they have done this before, why was she so afraid of asking for the help of far more experienced superheros? Isn’t that what  _ El Marayah _ is supposed to mean?

She’s pretty sure it has something to do with the way she believes Lex escaping is her fault or maybe it was the complete rage she still feels every time she remembers how he took away the chance of telling Lena her secret herself- or every time she remembers how he broke Lena’s heart. She has to make him pay for it, somehow.

But she can’t. And she’s not sure she wants to let the kind of anger run free. 

So, Lois fixes it all with a couple of explanations and a few calls- except maybe the ache she feels in her heart every time she looks at Lena.

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong or am I going to have to watch you mope all day?” she asks from her side of the table.

Lois had dragged her to one of the restaurants in the city saying  _ I think if I stay longer in this place I’ll die of boredom, I haven’t been kidnapped in a while and you Kara? _ and throwing a wink. 

“I’m not moping,” Kara says as she moves the piece of steak from one side of her plate to the other.

“Clearly.”

She sighs and looks up, “I’m sorry- I’m really glad you’re here.”

Lois smiles, “I’m glad to be here too,” she stops for a moment as if to think her next words, “did something happen with Lena?”

Kara’s eyes go wide, “What?”

“You stopped talking so much about her in our calls,” she explains, “did you break up?”

Kara opens and closes her mouth a couple of times, unsure what to say. “We- no, no- we weren’t together.”

She mutters something along the lines of  _ absolutely not _ and  _ ridiculous _ \- it takes looking up and finding her friend smirking at her over her glass of wine to get herself to stop.

“So it  _ is  _ Lena,” she laughs under her breath, “Alex told me but she wasn’t completely sure.”

“Lena and I never dated,” she says- and the words feel wrong in her mouth, maybe Lena and her hadn’t dated but they had been  _ something  _ during all that time when it was always just them in their own bubble. 

“No, but you liked her.”

“It doesn’t matter-” Kara crosses her arms- “she had a girlfriend, has, I don’t know.”

“Girlfriend or not, I’m sure you could find a way around it,” she reaches her hand until she’s touching the fingers Kara has pressing on her arms, “what is this about?”

She doesn’t answer, she doesn’t know if what she wants to say even makes sense. She looks up to Lois and notices her vision is blurred- she wipes away her tears with one hand and tightly holds onto her aunt’s with the other.

“I’m just so scared,” she breathes out, “of losing Lena, of losing myself.”

“Yourself?”

“Losing myself in Lena. In whatever it is that we have. I’ve spent years trying to find myself, to figure out how not to become like my parents and make the same mistakes they did and I always end up finding more similarities between us- their love hurt me even when they were doing what they thought was right and what they thought best, I don’t want to hurt Lena.”

She doesn’t say how she feels she’ll probably lead Lena to her death and the brunette would just follow her, not a care as long as she was with her.

Because if Kara’s love is volatile, Lena’s is a match- and eventually they’ll blow up together.

“And there’s Lena, there’s us, there’s this all-consuming, terrifying black hole of a feeling, and if I give into it . . . I feel like I’m standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon, you know? Like, here’s something bigger, deeper than the human mind is built to fathom. And I’m just supposed to . . . jump in? I don’t know how to fall into Lena.”

Lois smiles, it’s that soft smile she always has for Kara- she loves how much it calms her.

“It’s just like free falling, Kara, or like flying I guess,” she says, “It’s only scary until you take the jump, then you just enjoy the feeling.”

* * *

There's something about a place you've been with someone you love. It takes on a meaning in your mind. It becomes more than a place. It becomes a distillation of what you felt for each other. The moments you spend in a place with someone... they become part of its bricks and mortar. Part of its soul.

Kara had read that once- she thought it explained a lot of things.

Why she and Alex kept going back to the same dinner they had gone to with Jeremiah a couple of times- they’d go as far as sitting in the same table they always liked to take.

Why she’d go to the park during sunsets trying to pretend the red rays of the sun were Rao, sit in one of the benches and try to remember her parents' smiles.

Why she keeps coming back to the roof in the middle of the night, hoping she’ll find Lena waiting for her, even when she knows Lena is either at her office or apartment.

Lena doesn’t show up and Kara keeps on looking at the door expecting she might walk through it soon.

Alex walks through it instead. And the moment Kara sees her serious expression and eyes filled with worry instead of their usual calmness, she knows something isn’t right.

“What's wrong?”

“Lena- she- something’s wrong.”

Kara stands up as quickly as possible without using her powers, leaving the book she was sketching in and her jacket behind. She doesn’t wait for Alex to explain, she tries to walk past her but she stops her with a hand on her arm.

“Breath Kara,” she says as she slowly makes her turn to him, “your eyes are red.”

She breaths in and out once, then twice- the third breath is broken by the sob leaving her body and the voice screaming in her head that somehow  _ this is her fault. _

Alex puts her arms around her and holds her tight until her breathing even outs and her eyes go back to their usual blue.

“What happened?” she asks as she moves away from her.

“She passed out a couple hours away, nothing Brainy does can bring her back so he thinks she’s in some kind of coma.”

On her way to the room Lena’s in, a small infirmary in the tower, she curses the fact that she told Lois and Clark everything was fine and they should go back to Metropolis.

The moment she sees Lena laying in bed, her skin even more white than usual and her body so still- she has to remind herself she’s not dead.

Lena’s chest is rising and falling, even though very slowly, it’s moving, and her heartbeat sounds just as if asleep- and Kara takes comfort in the fact.

She’s so focused on the way Lena’s hair is a mess, and how  _ wrong  _ that feels that she doesn’t even see Andrea until she moves the sheets covering Lena closer to her- Kara’s not even sure Lena can get cold right now.

Sometimes Kara looks at Andrea and knows they could be great friends. She’s kind, strong, she knows exactly when to put anyone in place with just a few words- and she makes Lena happy. Kara should care about that, she really should- but every single feeling of gratefulness she should feel, always gets buried deep inside by jealousy. 

“Sorry, I’ll-” Kara stumbles on her words, “I’ll go.”

“Supergirl, wait,” she stops her before she can reach the door, “don’t you want to stay?”

“Yes but- I don't want to make you uncomfortable- I’ll leave”

A soft hand on her arm stops her again and  Kara curses because, _no fucking wonder Lena loved to have Andrea’s hands on her._

“You won't, make me uncomfortable I mean,” she explains, her next words are said carefully, “you do know Lena and I broke up right?”

“What?”

“Yeah,” her words are more of a sigh than anything and Kara hates the little flame of hope she felt in her heart the moment she heard they were no longer together.

“I'm sorry,” she says- and they both know it meant _ I’m sorry you didn’t get a true chance with Lena  _ and not _ I’m sorry you guys broke up. _

“It’s alright, I always kind of knew she was in love with you.”

She shrugs before smiling at Kara and leaving the room.

* * *

She has been in Lena’s rooms for over four days.

Holding her hand, begging her to wake up- and taking it back when she remembers she has no business doing that.

It’s on day five that she starts feeling it. 

The oddness of the air, the way in which Lena keeps looking paler and paler with each other passing even though every single test they do gives the result that everything is fine.

But it is not- because Lena is dying and no one can do anything about it.

“It doesn’t feel right,” she tells Alex on day seven, “the air- something's wrong.”

Her sister looks at her with sad eyes and sighs.

“I think you've been here too long, Kara-”

“No, no, don’t you feel it? Maybe- maybe it’s magic?” she stumbles on her words, moving her hands around.

“There is no magic,” she puts her hand on the blonde’s shoulder, standing her still, “just- go outside for a bit.”

She basically flies out of the room to the roof again, only to be startled by a voice right besides her.

“You were right, there is magic- well, my magic.”

Atlas is standing next to her, perfect suit and all, as she leans against the wall. A teasing smile on her face.

“What did you do?” The blonde asks angrily as she walks over to the woman and tries to grab her by her suit and lift her off the ground.

Instead she reaches out and her hands go right through Atlas’ body and leaves a mark on the wall.

“Sorry, I’m not really here, oops.”

“What did you do to Lena?”

“I didn’t do anything,” she rolls her eyes, “and neither did you. That's the problem.”

“What does that mean?”

  
The witch groans. “Ugh, children these days, I have to do everything,” she looks back at Kara, “you didn’t kiss her again. Lena, she’s dying because her love hasn’t been returned.”

“I  _ do  _ love Lena back,” the blonde shouts.

“But does she know that?”

Yes, she wants to say. But has she ever told Lena she loved her? 

She’d shown it. Lena would have picked up on everything she did for her, right?

“What do I do?” she asks after a minute.

Atlas is already gone.

* * *

She's pacing and she's pretty sure she’s leaving a small line of cracks on the floor.

Atlas had been gone for about two hours when Alex’s shout of her name called her back in, she flew inside to find lenas heart flatlining.

If she hadn't had Nia’s arms around her as she fell to the floor and the small sound of lenas heartbeat slowly coming back, she doesn't know what she'd have done.

Everyone slowly left the room once they made sure Lena was okay again but Kara stayed. And paced. Back and forth. Back and forth, in front of lena’s bed

“You know, this isn't fair you know? In fact- this is really mean of you, Lena. Normally I like that part of you but seriously? I can't believe you need to go into a goddamn coma to get me to say I love you- it's ridiculous. I didn't want you to say it like this, you shouldn't be in a coma, it's my fault you're in one. If I had catched Lex faster and I-,” she sighs and runs her hands through her hair, walking slowly to Lena’s side and taking her hand, “but yeah, I love you so please.  _ Please _ , don’t die- I- I know I messed up and I was awful to you but please wake up and let me make it up to you. I love you, Lena, so much.”

She closes her eyes and tries to ground herself with the sound of Lena’s heartbeat.

“You love me?”

Lena’s voice was almost a whisper, unsure and curious. Before Kara can answer her, even before she can get herself out of the shock of Lena being awake again, the brunette starts to cough.

In seconds, Kara is in front of her, a glass of water in her hand as she slowly helps Lena sit up in the bed with the other.

She can’t get the words out of her. Lena looks fine, almost as if she hadn’t been in a coma for the past week. Her cheeks are back to their normal color, her lips aren’t cracked anymore and her hands aren’t as cold to Kara’s touch anymore.

Lena is pointedly not looking at her and Kara keeps opening and closing her mouth- trying to find out what she wants to say.

Eventually, Lena breaks the silence, “Are you okay?”

Instead of answering, Kara wraps her arms around her, her hand on the brunette’s head as she burrows her face in the crook of her neck. She sighs contently at finally having Lena back in her arms again, safe and awake.

“I'm so glad you're okay,  _ zhao, _ ” she whispers in her ear.

After a few minutes, Lena pulls away and looks Kara in the eyes. “Was it true?”

Kara snorts. “If you weren't sure by the fact that the magic only works if it's true then yes, Lena, I love you, so much.”

Lena smiles, so so brightly- that smile Kara loves so much- and leans in.

**Author's Note:**

> twitter: @lgbtimelord
> 
> (some scenes are based on tmi and tda books, kudos to you if you noticed)


End file.
